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Saturday, April 9, 2011

I Can't Go On!

"I can't go on", those four words pass through my head multiple times throughout my day. It pops up in the middle of a CF workout, during a bike ride, packing my food for the following day, or just sitting in my windowless cubical. So far it has been followed by another little voice that says something to the effect "Suck it up buttercup" or "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger" or "Shut the Fu&k up and get it done!" I'm worried about what would happen if the second little voice stops trying. What am I to do if my own mental fortitude fails me? Honestly I have started down a path of some serious self doubt and self loathing the past two days. I have to admit that my body image is the lowest I have ever seen it in my life, I can hardly look in the mirror to shave. I remember Sgt. Keller US Marine and wonder where that man has gone. I walk into the gym at 0545 and have to admit that I am the fattest most out of shape person there. How the hell did I let this happen? How did I go from being CrewChief of the year to have high blood pressure and bad blood work. I went from riding high on life to anxiety attacks and depression.

Well that was 6 months ago, now my blood pressure is back in normal range, my blood work is within healthy ranges, and for the most part my moods are leveled out. Is it due to the diet changes? Is it due to the weight loss? Is it due to the increase in activity? I would have to say yes to all of the above? So what would happen if I go back to old Bruce, to my old ways? What would happen if I give into the voice that says I can't go on? Would I go back to working 60+ hours a week, stressed out beyond belief, and being depressed. Hell yes I would I am 100% sure of that, I can not stop! I will not fail!

So what am I doing to prevent this fall back into the pit? What safeties have I put in place? I decided when I started on this journey that it was a one way trip, a total lifestyle change. I am out to reinvent myself in my own vision. I have wonderful reasons to be healthy, to extend my life, and to be happy doing it. The CrossFit family at CrossFit 5280 has welcomed me in and is pushing me hard and helping me keep going. The encouragement I hear when I am finishing dead friggen last, in my ears it is like a gold medal crowd cheering. I am still working on the nutrition side of things, I dropped the first 50 pounds with a reduced calorie clean living diet with whole grains and dairy. When I started CrossFit I switched to the paleo/zone plan and the only issue I have is the time spent planning and prepping a 16 block plan. Recently I have been researching and reading more about primal and paleo eating and trying to digest (no pun intended) all the different studies and information out there. I have been reaching out and surrounding myself with influences that understand what I am trying to do. People who understand what I am trying to do and why I am doing it.

My goals are simple and I need help with making them more specific and obtainable:
1. I want to be healthy and live a long life.
2. I want to be happy and enjoy life.
3. I want to be the best Daddy and Husband possible.
4. I want to be able to protect my family and friends at all costs.
5. I want to lift and throw heavy objects.
6. I want to look good naked.

The journey continues! My knees hurt, my back aches, I have to use a foam roller every-night! I have to suck up my fragile pride every-time I step into the gym, I have to use bands to do pull-ups, I run slow! The thing is I get up every morning with a new spark and hit it hard, I play with my girls every chance I get, and I love my wife with every fiber of my being!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

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